Pharma Giants Push Erection-Causing Drugs to Swing States

In another attempt to save the institution of marriage, the Religious Right has stepped up pressure on pharmaceutical giants to "do their part" to save it. Threatening to yank support of key legislation, congressional aides made angry calls this afternoon from D.C. to remind CEOs of their responsibilities.

"The Lord has shown us that erectile disfunction is a tool of the devil," explained Rev. Whitemore of Houston's Bayou Baptist Church. "The devil is evil, cunning and patient. He knows that husbands shall wonder when wives fail to faciliate his God-given need to ejaculate. If we don't do something to help him get it up, the devil wins because the marriage ends."

In a back-door deal with the Bush Administration, the FDA rushed approval of three new erection drugs Monday morning. This afternoon, pharmaceutical giants immediately purchased air time in swing states to market their erection-making drugs. Doctors in Ohio and Michigan reported that pharma reps left up to three times the typical amount of "trial samples" during unscheduled drop-ins that are expected to continue through Friday.

"This is an obvious attempt by the Bush administration to keep the 'swing middle' sexually gratified leading up to the big erection," claimed Dr. Howard Dean. "It reminds me of how they've stayed in power as long as they have -- by doing the same thing with anti-depressants."

Scott McClellan, responding for the White House, said the President is concerned about the rising cost of health care in America and would do what he can to make sure all citizens have affordable prescription plans.

Chatter on the hill also indicates we could expect big news from Pfizer next week about a pill that is said to "promote a healthy lifestyle" and "help adolesents make important decisions about their sexuality that could affect them for the rest of their life."

-- Matt Lum, Sept. 21, 2004